Anger expression

Rules for direct verbal expression of anger

1. Say what happened.

• Be very specific.
• Say exactly what happened, when, where and how often.

• Describe your emotional reaction to it yet.
• Use abstract or vague terms.
• Generalize.
• Guess about the other person's intentions or motives.

2. Say how you feel about it.

• Speak calmly.
• State feelings in a positive way.
• Say how you feel about the situation, not about the person.

• Deny your feelings.
• Unleash emotional outbursts.
• Put the other person down.
• Attack the entire character of the person.

3. Say exactly what you want the other person to do.

• Request a small change.
• Request only one or two changes at one time.
• Say exactly what behaviors you want to see stopped and those you want to see continued.
• Ask for something the person can actually do.

• Merely imply that you'd like a change.
• Ask for too big a change.
• Ask for too many changes.
• Ignore the other person's needs.
• Assume that only the other person has to change.

4. Say why.

• Say exactly how their change in behavior will help you.
• Say exactly how their change in behavior will be good for them.
• Say how bad things will be if their behavior doesn't change

• Be ashamed to say why you want the change.
• Threaten.
• Bully.
• Be ashamed to say how important their behavior is to you.